Brick by Brick
There was a time in my life where I believed I would never be able to live authentically. I was viewing a significant part of my identity as a flaw, but I was missing the bigger picture—it was one more facet to who I was. Pride exists for a reason. It is a celebration of our achievements, a reminder of our past, a tribute to those lost, a message that we are here to stay, and a call to action. I didn’t always understand that. Fear kept me from my pride. The “what if”s occupied so much of my energy, and they ultimately kept me from fully embracing my true self.
Growing up in a small town taught me that to be safe I had to blend in. If I didn’t blend in it left me vulnerable: I could be rejected, I might be disowned, or I might even be attacked. That level of doubt and fear, the constant worry, the desire to be “normal” planted a seed. That seed’s roots took hold and became self hatred. Over time, that self hatred grew into a deep depression.
I was well into my undergraduate degree when I started to conceptualize what life as a gay man would be like. Technically, I was a gay man, but I hadn’t yet owned that part of me. It wasn’t until I met my now friend, Will, that I started to realize that maybe, just maybe life would go on. He was a Licensed Clinical Social Worker at the time. He came to speak to my BSW cohort, and there he was, this vibrant, successful, beloved professional and friend to many. He was also gay. I would later do a practicum at his agency and have some interactions with him before years later becoming friends. I’m forever grateful for people like Will, and the people who came before him, and all of those who came before them.
Still, I wasn’t ready. It wasn’t until I was working as a therapist at the maximum security facility I wrote about in my last blog that something was said to me that upended my world. In that moment it felt earth shattering, but it was for the best. A friend, who never would have said this statement with malice (he just accepted who I was before I did) stated, “Justin, you’d be the perfect therapist for [insert client’s name].” He said this because he was going to be departing from the agency, and he felt I’d be a good fit for that client in their therapeutic journey. it was what he said after that had the most impact, “but [client] hates gay people.” It was like someone had turned me upside down, spun me around, and placed my head between two gongs before striking them. It was disorienting and embarrassing.
That all was temporary though. It really was the moment that allowed me to start my journey to self acceptance. I was able to rationalize that I was a young and successful professional, well respected and loved by my peers, friends, and family. If people didn’t like the whole version of me they didn’t deserve any part of me. Being gay only kept me from one job that I know of, and that was McDonalds when I was around 16 years old. I guess I owe being gay a debt of gratitude for that close call.
Over the years I’ve come to accept who I am. My identity is more than one thing. I’m as multifaceted as some of the most precious stones. We all are, and sometimes we just have to find the right light to shine. I am better as a person when I embrace all that makes me human.
The lore of Stonewall is that a brick was thrown and it ignited a movement and united a people that changed history. I view Pride as being built brick by brick, and over time those bricks were part of the house that built me. I’m forever grateful for the people who have accepted me both personally and professionally, and I am happy to say that I’m now one of those people who has accepted me for me.
Sometimes what feels like the end can be a new beginning. Let that new beginning start with you being kind to yourself and accepting who you are. You are worthy of a life worth living, and I hope one day you will feel like you can live your life with pride.